Monthly Archives: December 2018

How Do I Love Thee? I Don’t Know Anymore!

Photo ©Kelly Kandra Hughes

Two weeks have gone by since I returned from Churchill. Nearly every day since then, I’ve had someone ask me how my trip was.

This is one of the hardest questions I’ve ever had to answer.

It was much easier for me to answer Heath’s question of “So when do you want to do this [get married]?” after only knowing him for 4 days than it is for me to sum up the experiences of living in Churchill for 49 days.

With Heath, I knew the answer. We came into each other’s life at the exact moment we both needed each other the most. He made sense in my life and it was like we’d known each other forever.

That answer was easy.

Turns out the answer to what it is like to live among polar bears is not so easy.

During my time in Churchill, I experienced what co-existing with my favorite wild animals is really like.

It’s not like being at a zoo where I watch a bear be silly, put a bucket on their head, and belly flop into a swimming pool.


I learned about polar bear biology and habitat. I learned about polar bear conservation and management. I also learned about polar bear tourism and hunting (still legal in Canada, by the way).

Polar Bear Tourism ©Kelly Kandra Hughes

Polar Bear Tourism ©Kelly Kandra Hughes

The thing is, once you know this information, you can’t not know it.

Add this information to the emotions of a lifelong dream of seeing polar bears in the wild coming true, and you have a perfect storm for an existential crisis in the making.

That’s what I’m experiencing now, and that’s why I’m finding it so difficult to talk (and write) about my time in Churchill.

If I ever really loved polar bears, how selfish was it for me to intrude on their lives so I could see them?

Not to mention the enormous carbon footprint for me to get to Churchill in the first place.

So when people ask me how Churchill was, I’ve started saying, “Life changing.”

It’s still not clear to me what’s on the other side of my existential crisis. That’s a question I’m currently living. We’ll see how it plays out in the death meditation I plan on doing in the next few weeks in anticipation of how I want to spend my time in 2019.

In the meantime, I am doing what I do best: loving Heath, playing with dogs, walking in the woods, writing, and living with as much joy as possible.


It’s a blessed life. I am grateful to be here.