I had a thought the other day—would I be able to recognize a good night’s sleep if I had one?

This semester, I teach 300 students in a general psychology course at CU Boulder. I am enjoying teaching this many students at once, and the personal satisfaction I feel upon my return to teaching has far exceeded all my expectations.

An unexpected benefit is that I’m reminded daily of why I love psychology so much. In the past few weeks, we’ve covered two different topics in class: memory (chapter 7 in the textbook) and consciousness (chapter 3 in the textbook). I like to jump around.

One of the reasons I presented the memory chapter before the consciousness chapter is that getting a good night’s sleep (considered an “altered” state of consciousness) has been well-documented in the scientific literature to improve memory. I thought discussing this finding with students would motivate them to be more receptive to the best sleep practices we discussed the following week.

We also discussed different types of memory, including sensory memory, short-term memory, working memory, and long-term memory. Long-term memory is classified into explicit memory, which includes facts, knowledge, and personal events, and implicit memory, which includes motor skills, habits, and classical conditioning.

It was while I was brushing my teeth one morning that I put these two topics together.

Classical conditioning. Sleep. Classical conditioning. Sleep.

I had never considered before that perhaps my sleep isn’t nearly as bad as I think it is. What if I’ve classically conditioned myself to feel sluggish and low energy in the mornings? What if I’ve had so many tired mornings in my life that my body automatically responds accordingly every morning when I wake up?

I shared this thought with two of my friends during a Zoom get-together this past week, and they gave me a good suggestion. Every morning, when I wake up, I should rate how tired I feel on a scale of 1 to 10, with 10 being refreshed and energized.

In just two mornings of this practice, I had a minor breakthrough. The first morning, my rating was a 10. The second morning, it was a 3. The difference between the two mornings is that on the first morning, I had an incredibly vivid, bizarre, violent, emotionally dramatic dream, and I was still in the dream when I woke up. On the second morning, I was not dreaming when I woke up. The first morning, I felt traumatized. The second morning, I did not.

I realized that asking myself how tired I am in the morning is the wrong question! The right question is, how traumatic was the dream I just woke up from?

I don’t know what exactly to do with this information. I hope to find a sleep doctor in the area soon, and I think this information will be helpful as I explain what I need the most help with. Whether or not the doctor has a solution will remain to be seen.

In the meantime, I’m so tired of not just being tired but talking about being tired.

I also had another thought recently—what would I do with all my brain power if I accepted that I may be this way for the rest of my life? Wouldn’t that be liberating?

I don’t think it’s that easy to simply say I’m accepting that this is the way it’s going to be, and then I’ll accept it, but I do think I’ve made some progress in getting there.

With approximately two months left this year, I am letting go of wanting things to be different with my sleep. This is how my life is playing out right now, and I will live with it. Over the last two months, I’ve proven to myself that I can work again full-time, keep writing, and prioritize my mental and physical health. It is the bare minimum that I find acceptable and so I’m going to be okay with that.

To quote CS Lewis “onward and upward.”

Now, to add some more color and vibrancy to this post, here are some small moments of joy from the past few weeks.

A few weeks ago, Heath and I drove to Estes Park for a day trip. We stopped to feed the ducks at the River Walk Cafe and I found the colors on this mallard so striking.

On my walk to the bus stop two weeks ago, this majestic hawk flew before me and landed on this branch. I told myself if I missed the bus and had to drive to campus, it would be totally worth it to be in the presence of this amazing creature.

This past week, we had a late bloom on the rose bush in front of our house. I love the pop of colors amongst the vibrant green.

Heath and I finished work at the same time this past Friday and so he picked me up on campus. Seeing this dog living their best life absolutely made my day!

That same day, I convinced Heath to come for a sunset stroll around the lake. On our way back to the house, he heard this owl, and we found him perched on someone’s roof. To our delight and surprise, there was another owl on the opposite side of the roof and they kept hooting back and forth to each other.

I hope everyone reading this can find small moments of joy in their life, too. Until next time….