When I close my eyes, I certainly don’t feel 49. I still feel the same as when I was 15, 25, 35, and 45.
And when I open my eyes, well … There are some signs I’m getting older.
I won’t dwell on them for too long because: 1) I have recently upped my skincare regimen; and 2) that’s all I’m interested in doing because when I see people who are, shall we say, being more aggressive against aging, I’m not personally convinced that’s the better way.
I spent a delightful day yesterday doing some of my favorite things. I started with reading and writing and then attended my cold plunge group’s weekly Saturday meetup. After that I volunteered to be a pretend wedding guest for a dog named Hoover, who is training to be a ring bearer for his humans’ wedding next week.
Then I picked up Heath, who works on Saturdays, and we drove around on a mini-adventure, and ended up finding a specialty gourmet grocery store near our house where I found the best birthday card imaginable for my niece and I now can’t wait to send it to her in November.
We then ended the day watching two episodes of Frasier. While I watched Frasier back when it was on the air on NBC in the 90s and 00s, Heath has never watched it. It’s standing the rest of time (unlike many other shows/movies we’ve rewatched) and it remains as hilarious as ever.
I also find myself feeling incredibly nostalgic for the 90s and 00s because that was a time before smart phones and the Internet as we know it and I long for the days of less fractured attention.
Nostalgia aside, it was the perfect birthday of small joys and some quality time with the person I love most in this world.
I’ll continue celebrating for the rest of the month with my usual news and social media fast. This is a gift I give to myself every year, and I rather enjoy it. So, if anything important happens, someone please let me know.
In the meantime, thanks for still sticking around all this time. Here’s hoping I make a splash this year in as many wonderful ways as possible.
On Friday, I turned 48 and my blog turned 10. I had high expectations for the day centered around doing nothing, but upon further inquiry from Heath I realized I, unfortunately, had quite a bit to do.
Could I have put off this work for another day? Perhaps. But it was the kind of work where other people were waiting for me to respond or do something. And as my birthday was a Friday, that meant it was either send someone work emails on a Saturday or wait until Monday. I didn’t want to be that person.
Instead, I reframed the day as having no obligations that would make me go anywhere. But, the damage was done and I felt a good portion of my birthday feeling blue. Brene Brown’s insight of “Expectations are just resentments waiting to happen” has never rang more true.
Now that the day came and went, it was a pretty good birthday (objectively speaking). It started with my usual walk around the lake. I petted two of my favorite local dogs, Lovie and Sal, who I don’t have a picture of but imagine two gigantic walking clouds. I pet them every time we pass each other around the lake.
I also received many birthday wishes via text, some through phone calls, a few through email, and more cards this year than previous years. I hope this means snail mail cards are making a comeback despite the ever increasing cost of buying and sending them.
Photos of birthday cards I received this year!
I also received two very good gifts!
Heath surprised me by getting us a beginners dance package at Arthur Murray Dance studio. I say surprised because even though I told Heath I wanted us to take dance lessons, I thought I would have to do all the logistical work of finding lessons for us. So when he showed me the online gift card, I was thrilled! Getting what I want and not having do to any work to make it happen is like a double treat!
My second gift came in a more convoluted way.
One of my 25 in 25 goals this year was to buy a pair of ice skates and use them 25 times. When I made this goal, I knew it would be a second-half-of-the-year goal because of the cost involved. In June, I researched where to buy skates. I also looked up the local skating rinks and their schedules to make sure there would be times that I could fit into my schedule.
And then I felt reluctance creeping in. What if the motion sickness I developed as an adult kept me from enjoying skating? What would I do every week if I wasn’t working with a coach? What were my actual goals for skating? I didn’t want to compete again. Would I get bored without working towards something? I didn’t want to invest a couple of hundred dollars on ice skates without having good answers to these questions, and less expensive skates would be too flimsy for my level of experience. I am 48, after all. I have to take good care of my body, especially my feet and ankles!
As if it was a sign from the universe, the closest rink would be undergoing renovations starting in July. So, I shifted my focus to something else I’ve been wanting to do but couldn’t for those 8 years we were nomads – play the piano.
So I asked my mom for a high quality 88-key keyboard as my birthday gift this year. It came with a bench which was ridiculously hard to put together, and thankfully, Heath helped me (and by helped me I mean he put it together after I gave up).
I took lessons for one year in high school and one year when I lived in Illinois. It was during my Illinois lessons that I received one of my greatest compliments. Kelly, said my piano teacher, I wish all my students were as happy as you.
Pro tip: To get these kinds of compliments, it helps to do things like clap your hands and yell yay anytime you finish a song.
I love to play the piano for the sheer joy of playing it. I like the challenge of learning new songs and I especially enjoy playing Christmas carols. I have zero expectations that I will ever perform for anyone other than myself and I don’t care! My greatest ambition for piano playing is that if I ever see a piano anywhere I can go up to it and play Carol of the Bells, which is my favorite Christmas song.
For years I kept my piano books because I always wanted to return to it. Even when I got rid of almost everything during our time on the road, I didn’t get rid of those books. A piano is something I’ve been wanting for so long and now that we have a home, I was finally in a position that having a full keyboard was possible.
I now have a piano in our basement.
My new piano!
By my birthday next year, I can serenade myself with Happy Birthday on the piano.
Uh oh. Sounds like I already have an expectation for next year….
Oh, well! I did end up having a happy birthday this year anyway. I just had to let go of those pesky expectations and enjoy what I had.
How is it almost the end of August? I usually write my celebratory blog birthday post much closer to my August 1st birthdate. However, this year, memorializing Dodger felt more important to me, so I prioritized that in my last post.
Do I now have a home? Check. We moved into a wonderful rental home on July 1st in Lafayette, CO.
Do I have a Heath? Also, check. We’ve been married for 8.5 years now, but you never know what stupid stuff the universe will throw at you. So I didn’t want to take my Heath for granted. Also, in a fun twist, starting tomorrow, we will both work for the University of Colorado, Boulder.
Do I have a bed? Oh, how I wish I could check this one off my list. Today, FedEx delivered the fourth bed I’ve purchased since July 1st. So, while technically I do have a bed, who knows if I can get a good night’s sleep?
It’s been nearly eight weeks without decent sleep, and the effects on me feel catastrophic. It’s not ideal for starting a new job. Especially one that requires so many skills and higher productivity levels than I’ve had to put forth in years. I expect I will spend this entire week masking my true exhaustion, which certainly isn’t going to help the situation. I just hope I don’t start crying at work because every moment of every day, it feels like I’m walking along the precipice of a breakdown.
Few things can help me at this point. What I really need is sleep. In its absence, I stick with my daily meditation and exercise routine because if those fell by the wayside, it would be a quick descent from catastrophe to nuclear meltdown. I also walk around Waneka Lake as often as possible. I know there’s hope for me because I can still find joy in little things during my walks.
Since the above paragraphs are all the mental bandwidth I have to spare at the moment, here are photos of some of the little things on a recent Waneka Lake walk. I hope you enjoy them. And send me some positive sleep vibes, please. I need all the help I can get.
Happy birthday to me and happy birthday to my blog! On August 1, I turned 46 and my blog turned 7.
Birthday kisses from JJ, one of the goats we’re taking care of for the next several weeks.
This birthday was low-key for many reasons, not the least of which we’re still grieving for the stuff we had stolen a few weeks ago in Crescent City, CA. We spent the day working on a puzzle, which may not sound fun to everyone but Heath and I enjoy puzzles a lot.
This puzzle was especially challenging because the box only gives you a hint as to what the pieces should look like after you put them together.
I wanted to give up at first because I thought the puzzle would be too difficult. Heath convinced me we should keep going. I’m so glad we did because it felt so satisfying when we finished.
Working on the puzzle had the added benefit of keeping my mind worry-free. I’ve been feeling stressed lately as we try to figure out where we want to live and as I figure out what my next professional life should look like. Applying for jobs at the same time that I’m querying my latest middle-grade novel is especially demoralizing because I’m getting rejected on what feels like an almost daily basis.
It’s also demoralizing to find a job I would love in an area we’d be interested in living, only to do a home search on Zillow and see nothing available for less than $500,000. And I don’t mean nothing good available. Just nothing. No townhomes, condos, or houses. Who are the people that can afford these homes? What do they do for a living and will I ever be one of them?
The brightest part of my birthday was the cake. Heath found a bakery in Tacoma that makes custom cakes. He sent them some photos and this is the cake they made:
I teared up hugging the cake designer after I saw that little face.
The cake is gluten-free, chocolate with a strawberry filling, and buttercream frosting. It’s absolutely delicious and upon eating our first slices Heath announced, “I always knew Fergus had strawberries in him.”
We’ll be in the Seattle area for the next month or so. Where we head next remains to be seen. If anyone has a suggestion, let me know! And keep in mind our camping stuff was stolen ….
Dodger and I have been buddies since November 2017. At a book discussion of The Book of Joy by the Dali Lama and Archbishop Desmond Tutu, a woman I had not met before named Cecily said to me, I heard you were a dog person. She told me about her dog, Dodger, and wondered if I could walk him a few times a week.
Could I?
Why, yes! I’d be delighted to walk Dodger.
Thus began a wonderful friendship with Cecily and Dodger.
Cecily left us too soon when she died last June, and the search began for a new home for Dodger. We couldn’t take him because of our perennial status as housesitters. We haven’t had a home of our own in years.
Thankfully, Dodger found a loving and devoted foster family where we expect he’ll live out his days. He even has two senior dog companions that are super agers (15 and 18). I couldn’t be happier for Dodger.
Dodger with foster sister Shiloh (age 15)
My only sadness around this situation is that Dodger no longer lives in the center of town. The foster family has made it clear that I’m welcome at any time. Just come on over, they say. But with my busy schedule, I can’t just pop in to say hello multiple times a week.
I especially missed Dodger this past week. His 14th birthday was on Wednesday, April 19th.
I texted his foster mom to wish him a Happy Birthday. Unfortunately, Heath and I were down to one car as the other was getting detailed, so I couldn’t see him for a birthday visit.
Instead, I spent the afternoon with Annie. Heath dropped me off at Annie’s house and we went on our usual sojourn through the Barbour Woods. We had a great time!
Because I didn’t have a car, I walked home going through the woods. In my six and a half years living in Norfolk, I’ve never walked home that way before.
Who should I see at the end of the Carriage Trail?
That’s right! A birthday miracle if I ever experienced one.
Heath and I finally got around to celebrating my birthday. Taking vitamin D and iron, as well as tapering down my recently prescribed narcolepsy medicine to the lowest possible dose has helped tremendously with my energy levels. So I *finally* felt up for a day out!
We started with driving to West Farms mall in West Hartford to visit the YogiBo store. One of Heath’s greatest joys in life is stretching out on a couch to relax and watch TV and movies. Because he’s so tall, there aren’t many couches that afford him this comfort. We’re also still housesitting in Norfolk (going on six years!) and so the living room furniture is not ours to replace. So we’re limited in what we can do.
A few weeks ago, I had the idea to Google “couch alternatives.” Up popped the website for Yogibo. Heath agreed that it could be a solution for his desire to stretch out. We were then thrilled to discover Yogibo is not just a website – they have stores throughout the Northeast. We decided to head there on my next day off.
Wow, that store is fun! We came home with a Yogibo Max and Support, and we’ve both been enjoying them this last week or so.
Next, Heath and I headed to Dee’s One Smart Bakery in Glastonbury to pick up my birthday cookie cake. Dee’s in an allergy-free bakery. Neither of us have food allergies; we simply find these baked goods superior to any others in Connecticut.
Since there’s a Whole Foods across the street from Dee’s, we stopped there for lunch at their hot bar. I don’t know what they put into their mac n’ cheese that’s so delicious, but it’s some of the best I’ve ever eaten.
We then returned home to watch many episodes of Friends. I’ve seen the show multiple times whereas Heath had only seen a handful of episodes. My favorite part of watching it is hearing him laugh and say, “It’s so stupid.” Friends is a stupid, silly show and that’s why I love it – it’s pure entertainment that reminds me of my younger years.
This birthday celebration included nothing special or fancy. But it was exactly what I wanted – feeling mostly awake spending time with the person I love most in this world doing things that bring me joy. May the year be filled with more of the same.
Well, it’s that time of year again. Happy Birthday to me and happy birthday to my blog. I turn 45 years old tomorrow and my blog turns six. I wish I could say I’m feeling festive. Unfortunately, I just feel tired and beaten down. In lieu of my typical blog birthday photos with dogs wearing party hats, here are dogs covered in dirt because that’s all I can muster today.
A friend recently told me that they lost one of their teeth. It’s going to take a few weeks until they can get an implant, but in the meantime they told me they’ve been getting the best sleep of their life.
“Which tooth?” I asked them. There’s not much I wouldn’t try at this point to get a good night’s sleep.
So, if you see me without a tooth in the coming days, weeks, or months, know that I still haven’t given up hope that someday I’ll get decent sleep on a regular basis.
Today my blog turns five years old and I turn 44 years old. I remember when my dad turned 40 and we gave him a pin that read 40 isn’t old if you’re a tree. Since I’m a fan of trees and upon my death I would like to be turned into a tree, I accept that I am not old. For the record, I hope my death isn’t at least for 44 more years (God and Kelly willing).
Most importantly, I don’t feel old. And I think that’s what matters most.
One of the true highlights of my day was seeing the artists’ list for the August exhibit of Norfolk Artists & Friends that’s opening at the Library today. When I arrived at work on Thursday, I was delighted to see this painting:
That looks like Annie, I thought.
Annie!
Well, sure enough. The painting is titled “Annie Rose Smells a Flower,” by Susannah Anderson.
It delights me that I know Annie so well I can spot her in an acrylic paining.
It really is the little things in life that bring the most joy.
Other little things that have been bringing me joy lately:
The little chipmunk living under the front porch.
The blue heron who keeps visiting the driveway
Meeting new dogs (that’s Hobbes in the front and Legend in the back). I met them at Cornwall’s Library’s outstanding Puppies Behind Bars presentation.
Teeny tiny frogs!
Fergus visiting my office at the Norfolk Library.
Getting hugs from my friend, Dotty.
And last, but not least, is watching my kalanchoe plant grow. Heath gave me this plant for our 5-year wedding anniversary in February. It seems to be doing quite well!
My birthday wish for anyone reading this blog post is that you find little things in your day that bring you joy.
Happy Birthday to my blog! And Happy 42nd Birthday to me!
It feels like I just wrote my second blog birthday post a few days ago. Gretchen Rubin, author of TheHappiness Project, sure is on to something when she says, “The days are long but the years are short.”
So what have I learned this past year? Most importantly, I learned how to reincarnate.
This year, I died a metaphorical death on my Mount Everest (i.e., publishing). Nobody is more surprised about this turn of events than me. It all started back in December when I did my most recent death meditation.
During that time, I realized I was letting fear keep me from going all in with my writing.
I then decided 2019 would be my year of discipline and I would put everything I had into getting published.
So far, I’ve written a lot of new material and I’ve now submitted my manuscripts to more agents than ever before. I’ve had some requests for more material and although I receive plenty of form rejections, I’ve also gotten some really nice personalized ones. All good signs on the path to publication.
Here’s what I didn’t expect: I lost my joy for writing somewhere along the way. Talk about a kick in the pants!
Of course, there are ripple effects when you lose something you value. My sense of wonder and awe in the little things all but disappeared. My curiosity decreased. So did my sense of adventure.
I didn’t even have the heart to write on this blog for the last few months, despite some truly wonderful happenings in my life.
Since January, I have now had eight articles published in a local newspaper. Bonus: I get paid to write these!
In May, I spent time in San Antonio and Austin, celebrating graduation milestones for my nephew and niece.
In June, an actual dream of mine came true when Norfstroms, Norfolk’s first and only salvage shed opened at the town transfer station. We had a salvage shed where I lived in North Carolina and I’ve missed having one here in town. I’ve been working with a local grassroots organization called Norfolk NET (Networking Everyone Together) and town hall to get one here. And it actually happened! You can read about it here and here.
Also in June, I was invited to speak at the Norfolk UCC Congregational Church during the pastor’s sabbatical.
As I texted Heath that morning:
You can listen to the sermon here. At the age of 42, I can say with certainty that experience was one of the greatest moments in my life.
And in a few weeks, I’ll be starting a part-time job at that same church as the director of community and creativity. This is a new position designed to increase the flow of God’s love in this world through good works and relationship building. What a gift and, again — I’m going to get paid to do it!
And speaking of getting paid for fun things, I have another opportunity in the works that I can’t speak about yet. But it involves working part-time at another one of my favorite places in the world!.
Then there are the little moments these past few months: so many dogs to love and each and every moment with Heath.
Cutie Pie Faith
Smudge
Chloe
Dodger and Annie
Smudge “helping” Heath practice the guitar
All this joy, and, yet…I let the cloud of being so hyper-focused on my publishing goal touch everything that I forgot to enjoy myself along the way. As I learned in The Antidote: Happiness for People Who Can’t Stand Positive Thinking by Oliver Burkeman, this is how people actually die on Mount Everest. They get so focused on getting to the top, they lose sight of everything else. This includes how they’re going to get back down.
The funny part is, I realized I lost my joy for writing when I couldn’t write for a few weeks.
I’m currently spending the month of July in Birdsboro, PA, taking care of the ever entertaining and adorable Bonnie and Jasper.
While housesitting here, I don’t have a car. Which has been mostly fine. Until my Microsoft Surface crashed.
It’s been two weeks. At first, I tried writing using apps on my phone. This is okay for jotting ideas down and short pieces, but incredibly frustrating for anything longer that requires formatting. Case in point: this blog post has now taken me over three hours to write, format, and publish. It’s for this reason, I included so few dog photos above.
I also tried writing by hand. But as someone who wrote an entire novel with a pen on yellow legal pads and has yet to type that novel up two years later, I know the futility of this practice.
So I filled my time other ways. Every day, I dance for fun and exercise, especially since it’s too hot to walk outside for very long. I stamp and watercolor, making cards and art. I watch YouTube videos to learn how to draw dogs.
My work may not be a masterpiece in the traditional sense, but I DID THIS!!
It’s good to have the joy back in my life. I didn’t realize how hard life has been without it. And I couldn’t have asked for a better birthday present!
Today I turn 41 years old, and today my blog turns 2.
These last two years have been the best of my life! That’s not a coincidence. Nor is it luck, magic, or random chance.
Anyone who reads my blog on a regular basis knows I value mindfulness. I’m a big believer in taking stock of my life on a regular basis and checking in to see how I’m doing.
I also believe in God. When I say God, I do NOT mean I believe there is a some man with a long white beard and a gold letter G on a white robe hanging out in heaven with a score card keeping track of my every move.
Because I was made in God’s image … and I don’t look like that! Neither do approximately 7.5 billion people on this planet.
Although, my good friend, Lem, does so maybe that what’s God looks like to him.
To me, God is the Divine Source of energy or Spirit, that connects us all to each other and to the universe. The holiest Holy Spirit that resides and dwells in each one of us. Both male and female.
I can’t take credit for that idea. I learned it from Father Don McLaughlin at St. Thomas the Apostle in Naperville, IL. On Mother’s Day 2013, I sat in a church pew mesmerized as Father Don discussed God as loving Father AND Mother and how the feminine is nearly forgotten in the church today.
Now that was an idea I could get behind.
In fact, when I now pray to God I pray to my Loving Father/Mother God. So my Our Father prayer begins with Our Father, Mother, Spirit Who Art in Heaven.
This realization that God is Mother and Father to us all and we are all a part of God is why I care about girls receiving an education in Burkina Faso, children being separated from their parents at the US borders, and polar bears losing their habitat in the Arctic.
Because I am them and they are me. The only difference between us is that for the Grace of the God, I ended up being born to the parents I did.
So when I take stock of my life on a regular basis, it’s to make sure I’m on the right path. The one that God intended for me, and the one in which I am an active participant and creator.
Two years ago for my birthday, my best friend Arlene sent me a beautiful card in which she hand-wrote a prayer for me. It’s from Matthew Kelly, founder of the Dynamic Catholic movement.
Prayer by Matthew Kelly. Photo by Greg Rakozy on Unsplash
I’ve been saying this prayer every day before I start my morning meditation for two years now.
Even when I added Rumi’s Prayer of the Chalice to the start of my meditation practice because I wanted to keep the practice fresh, I still found myself saying the one Arlene sent.
It’s not like you can go wrong with TWO prayers.
I don’t believe it’s a coincidence that these past two years have been the best of my life. My life is God AND Kelly willing, and I choose for it to be this way with love and guidance from God.
So on my 41st birthday, I say thank you to God for showing me where I need to be in my life and what I need to be doing, especially these last two years.
These last two years brought me to Norfolk and gave me more dogs to love than I could possibly imagine, friends that keep my spirit up when life gets me down, a community that makes me a better person, writing that makes me proud and takes me one step further towards my goal of published author, visits with family near and far, travels to new and wondrous places, and time with my husband to love and laugh and love and laugh some more.
There has also been loss; of course there has! This is life, after all, and that comes with being here. But through the love around me and which dwells in me through God, I am able to accept it and channel it into making me a better version of myself.
Thank you also to everyone who reads my blog and supports me on my journey. I couldn’t live this life without you either.
Next, Heath and I headed to Dee’s One Smart Bakery in Glastonbury to pick up my birthday cookie cake. Dee’s in an allergy-free bakery. Neither of us have food allergies; we simply find these baked goods superior to any others in Connecticut.
